Relationship and Marriage by Dr Judy Pinto, Derebail, Mangalore

Dr Judy Pinto has done her MA in Political Science, MA in Hindi, MSc in Applied Psychology and PhD. in Hindi. She was the Former Vice-Principal and a Retired Prof in Dept. of Hindi, St. Aloysius College [Autonomous] Mangalore. She has won several awards and prizes. She has been the resource person for more than 600 programmes. Dr Judy Pinto is well known for her Creative Writing. Currently she works as the head councilor at St Aloysius Pre University College, Mangalore. Recognising her achievements and her vast experience in various fields we have taken her interview which is as follows.

1) Dr Judy Pinto, tell us about yourself?

Ans: I’m a resident of Derebail parish, Mangalore. Teacher by profession, retired in 2016 after 41 years of experience in Gerosa English primary school and St Aloysius College. (last 5 years served as a Vice principal too). At present as a counselor helping children, youth, married couples, women. Also working as a part-time counselor in St Aloysius PU College. Of course managing household duties along with addressing different groups on different occasions.

2) Tell us about your experience as a counselor.

Ans: Counseling has been my passion (after retirement from teaching became my profession too). I started counseling in 1992 soon after a basic counseling course of 10 days by an expert Dr Thomas Vadaya. Then onwards till today I read books connected to Psychology or Counseling which have helped me to gain knowledge of some techniques too. In 2007 I completed MSc in Applied Psychology.

All these years my experience with my clients is very fruitful. When they cooperated fully and especially they wanted to be ‘peaceful and happy’ they benefited most. My sentence is “Everyone has a right to be happy” believe me, happiness is within us.

Another important aspect one must keep in mind is ‘some problems may not have solutions’ (Eg: death) We learned how to manage them effectively. (I often speak about the ‘serenity prayer’). Just now, I’m mostly dealing with the teenagers.

3) Can you tell us what exactly does relationship mean?

Ans: Relationship basically is ‘connection’- between two individuals, individual and the group or between groups. We are born in a family so we have family relationships which include ‘blood relationships’, then it extends to the society where we build friendships, professional relationships, casual relationships etc. On the whole we have a number of relationships to live and manage.

Your topic includes love relationships, romance, marriage and so on, which has to be dealt with utmost care as with the other relationships. Relationships need to be ‘handled with care’.

4) How to build trust in a relationship?

Ans: Trust is not built overnight; human beings take time to build trust in each other. Trust might be built in different relationships differently. Since we are speaking about love relationships I feel one must be trustworthy and one must have the ability to trust other. Partners first of all should know each other for these both have to be vulnerable gradually. Both must learn to express their feelings, remember the role of respect in relationships, be willing to give as well as receive, take risks together and most importantly I feel, say what you mean and mean what you say.

5) According to you what is the right age to fall in love?

Ans: My dear friends, why do you have to ‘fall’ in love? (Smile) Falling hurts right? I would advise you guys to “be in love”, “stay in love”, “walk in love”. Anyways let me answer your query… See, you have started loving your parents so early in your life means you know how to love. That means you can “fall” in love at any age provided you are sure that he or she is the one and only person right for you. (How many of you belong to this category???) Are you both committed and sure to sustain your relationship till your marriage?

Here’s the difference. I think many of you often mistake crushes and infatuation with love because both have “intense feelings”. According to one research, the average woman finds her life partner at the age of 25, while for men, they’re more likely to find their soul mate at 28, with half of people finding their “the one” in their twenties.

6) What is true love? What are its signs?

Ans: I feel the word “love” itself means ‘true love’. Anyways, if you wish to know a few signs of ‘true love’ may be as follows:

Mutual respect, admiration, care, understanding, never subjecting your loved one to hurt, humiliation or any form of abuse (which includes emotional abuse), Learning to give unconditionally, feeling happy for your partner without a trace of jealousy, making them feel loved and special, Sharing their burdens time to time - the list is endless.

Remember such love is elusive as a butterfly, it takes time to bloom but those who find it, are rewarded with peace and happiness - friends, love is all about my partner not about self.

7) How one should choose a partner?

Ans: “Compatibility” is the key word while one looks for a life-partner. A person who treats you with respect, doesn’t make fun of things you like or want to do, one who never puts you down, listens to your ideas would be easy to live with.

One can also see a few more attributes like, maturity, openness, honesty and integrity, respect and independence, sense of humour etc.

With all these a few other things which your earlier generation would look forward like family background, Economic stability, religious beliefs, and physical appearance also may be considered. I would like to mention about ‘health conditions’ too.

Finally, you can be great on your own and you can be great with someone else, the choice is personal for each of You.

8) Is it good to share secrets with one’s partner (before marriage)? Why?

Ans: It depends right? If you are already in a ‘love relationship’ you would share your secrets most likely. If you are speaking about the arranged marriage, I feel one need not share the secrets before marriage and for that matter even after marriage the secrets of before marriage.

But, every couple must be honest once they tie the knot and committed. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, trust play a huge role in making a marriage beautiful.

9) What are the common problems the youth face in the present day regarding relationships?

Ans: You must tell me this. (laugh) hmm, if you ask me about ‘teenagers’, they aren’t mature enough to understand what is love, as I said earlier they totally confuse infatuation for love.

The youth as a whole sometimes are confused while selecting, then committing, sustaining etc. Sometimes the love expressed by them is not reciprocated. There can be communication gap, lack of (or more of) sex education, easy dumping of the partner - all these can cause problems. These days social media too add to their frustration. Family pressures, societal pressures could create problems.

10) If a couple is facing a relationship problem, who is the right person to solve their issues?

Ans: Since relationship includes 2 individuals here, there bound to be misunderstandings, misjudgments, misinterpretations there’s a possibility of having some problems.

I suggest a few steps to follow:

Since you have paid attention while selecting your life partner, the first step would be you both sit together and try to sort out issues as a couple. Keep your egos, pride aside and ‘agree to disagree’. This will solve many issues.

The second step may be finding a mediator whom both of you trust. A person who you feel will not take sides, be impartial. This person may be an aunt, uncle, parents, a friend, colleague or a religious leader.

And finally, definitely a counselor. I tell you every issue could be resolved with the willingness of the couple. In the meantime the couple must take care that the issues are not blown out of proportions. Take action in time.

My note as a counselor is: you can avoid step 2 and see a counselor right away. The more you delay, you end up being resentful. Moral of the story is: better to resolve issues soon.

11) Why teenagers have the mindset that sex completes their love in relationships?

Not all teenagers have this kind of mindset. A few, if they feel this way may have their own reasons. What I presume is, curiosity to experience sometimes what they watch in videos, films. Not being aware of the conatations, or peer pressure, or urgency (no patience to wait till the marriage) or mutual consent easily available, or may be to brag about it, or in rare cases the girls could agree in order to get luxuries of life.

Please note: sometimes, especially boys may just brag about it without even having sex. But I would like to tell you, sex before marriage is not ethical according to me. It may result in scars, humiliation for life. Keep sex as sacred, only with your partner, and after marriage.

12) How to get out of a toxic relationship?

“A toxic relationship is when you’re not engaging in self care” says Greer. A few signs of toxic relationship are: one feels drained; all take no give, lack of trust, constantly judging, persistently unreliable, hostile atmosphere and so on… This kind of relationship may negatively impact your mental health. It can make you feel insecure too. It may lead to psycho somatic symptoms.

Before “getting out” of a toxic relationship let’s find the way to fix it. Because some relationships like parent-child, husband–wife, siblings or any other important relationships have to be saved with lots of efforts. A toxic relationship could be fixed if both partners are equally committed to overcoming it with lots of open communication, honesty, self reflection and possibly with professional help.

First of all one must acknowledge that he/she is in a toxic relationship. When you are sure that this relationship makes you lose your peace of mind you can think of getting out of it. Establish clear boundaries between you and your partner, don’t allow invading your life nor allowing them to control you. Communicate with your loved ones, whom you trust, for moral support. Start taking care of yourself, do small little things that make you feel good, love yourself. Finally seek the help of a professional counselor or a therapist.

13) How can one gain stability of mind during the hormonal changes during puberty?

When puberty begins, the body starts producing sex hormones. Due to hormonal changes body growth happens and this being a new thing, both boys as well girls find it difficult to manage. There are emotional aspects too. Parental guidance plays an important role here.

A few other things may help you to handle those bad moods may include:

Recognise that you are not alone, everyone goes through this stage in life (may experience differently)
Talk to people whom you trust-friends, parents, teachers, counselor.
Get enough sleep, getting adequate rest helps.
In case you are feeling irritable, angry, ‘catch your breath’ or do something that lets you settle down.
Exercise - Regular exercises like walk, run, skip, tennis, riding your bike etc. help reduce stress and improves your mood.
Be creative - get involved in some kind of a project, art work, writing or any such creative activity. It will divert your mind and ease your mood.

14) Tell us the difference between love, lust and infatuation?

All these involve feelings but they are not same.

So… what’s the difference?

Lust: According to Wikipedia, lust is an emotion or feeling of intense desire in the body. This means that it is merely a physical attraction that pushes you to seek sexual gratification, in the case of ‘lust towards a person’ because you can also experience lust towards an object or other things. As teenager it is extremely common to confuse love with lust. Lust speaks like this. “You are so beautiful. I want to make you mine”

Infatuation: It is the state of being ‘carried away’ by unreasoned passion. It’s little above lust because it’s not about sex or physical appearance only. Raw passion towards someone, you fancy him/her, feel butterflies in the stomach.

This phase usually lasts from one to six months, but can last as long as two years or as short as 2 days. Take it easy in this stage. This is when common sense or sound judgement, do not cooperate.

What you see in Bollywood or Hollywood movies… most of the time is infatuation. In short, infatuation is ‘an intense but short-lived passion or admiration for something or someone’.

Love: I feel it’s difficult to define love or how it feels. Many poets or writers have tried this in futile because love looks different to different people. Some even say ‘you’ll just know when it happens’. Love is a connection between two souls (soul mate). Love feels good because it is reciprocated. You don’t have to chase after it because it happens naturally, but then, you have a responsibility to nurture it. Their happiness becomes your happiness, you don’t force the other person to be with you all the time’ love makes you selfless. Love is enslaving but it’s also liberating.

15) Is possession a strong aspect of love?

It is necessary to distinguish between ‘love’ and ‘possession’. In love there’s trust, willingness to share, comfort and space for each individual that makes up a couple. In possession (possessiveness), there’s jealousy, selfishness and distrust on behalf of the possessive and there’s no freedom or peace for the other party. This kind of relationship leads to doom, total destruction.

Initially, possessiveness is interpreted as a sign of love (she loves me so much, doesn’t like me talking to any of my classmates (girls) etc.) but when it becomes a persistent and negative trait, you begin to see cracks in the relationship.

You can name it ‘obsession ’too. It could be confused for great love, when in reality is just an ailment of the mind that keeps the person emotionally and mentally enslave to someone else with the overwhelming desire to own another person, with an inability to accept rejection or failure.

16) “Marriage is a bond that lasts forever”. Is it true in the present era?

Marriage is a sacred bond. It is the process through which two people make relationship public, official, and permanent. It joins two people until to death. In fact, this applies to ‘all times’. But in the present era we see more failures in marriages than before. Maybe this prompted you to ask this question.

Yes, in most of the marriages both partners have jobs now, there’s increased pressure. Social media and technology plays a role too. Egos clash. We will discuss about a few things here so that the couples avoid these and live their ‘bond of marriage ‘happily.

Overstepping boundaries
Lacking communication
Wandering focuses
Emotional disconnection
Fighting about money
Lack of appreciation for one another
Losing interest in sexual intimacy
Interference of technology
Selfishness
Lack of trust

Avoiding these faults is important in the present scenario to live “happily ever after”

17) What are some common causes of stress in marriage?

While marriage can be a wonderful and fulfilling experience, no lifelong commitment is likely to run smoothly at all times, we all agree with this right? Life can be full of ups and downs which can challenge the strength of one’s marriage.

Finances can easily become a source of stress. Issues like unemployment, bills, mortgages, childrearing expenses, could be a source of worry and as a result the relationship can be under pressure.

Work commitments your job can demand a lot of you. Pressures at work, requiring spending time away from the family, can create havoc. You may end up being lonely. In the present time if both the partners are ambitious, would lead you to more stress.

Children Having children can be one of the most wonderful experiences in life, however parenthood also can put a strain on a marriage. Deciding when to have children itself can cause stress, if one is not ready yet. The birth and rearing of a child expects change in lifestyle. Fertility issue, miscarriages if any, children born with special needs- all these can add stress.

Difficult behaviours All these above could increase difficult behaviours in one or both the partners. This can cause aggressiveness, withdrawal, being secretive or argumentative - all end up in stress for both. Someone can start destructive behavior such as drinking, self medicating, drugs or gambling.

Couples have to spend time together, being attentive to each other, communicating in a fruitful way.

18) How to deal with a long distance relationship?

Long distance relationship in marriage started long ago like husband\wife being in gulf, Israel which is spread to other countries on the globe now. It is ideal for any couple to stay together and face the ups and downs in a marriage. Before mentioning how to deal with it, let’s see a few problems the couple would encounter, viz: Miscommunication is the most important. Added to this is loneliness, jealousy, drifting apart, not being able to give time to each other. These things could end up in ‘trust issues’.

Having said this, in unavoidable circumstances when couples have to stay apart, they have to go an extra mile to keep their wedding look happy and healthy. They can remember “In true love the smallest distance is too great and the greatest distance can be bridged…”

Couple can avoid ‘excessive communication’; it is unwisely to be possessive. You both can see it as an opportunity. See it as a test of your love. As a Chinese proverb goes, ‘real gold is not afraid of the test of fire’. Couples can set some ground rules to manage your expectations. Both need to be clear with what you expect of each other.

Try to communicate regularly and if possible creatively. Now social media comes very handy for you. Make visits whenever possible.

19) What are the common problems seen in marriages and what are the immediate steps required?

Let’s first of all understand that there are ‘no’ perfect marriages. Ups and downs are bound to happen because none of us are perfect.

I have mentioned earlier about a few difficulties in marriage. To add further on, what we normally believe that marriage is all about ‘love’ is not true. That mad streak of love will fade away, Sexual intimacy lessens, you are pre-occupied with other people’s needs (especially when you have kids or ailing parents etc.), you don’t spend quality time together the list can go on…

The immediate step is known about your marriage, work towards your marriage, it doesn’t remain happy without any ‘efforts’. Do an ‘in-home’ marriage exam. Figure out how to solve problems, you’ll get clues.

Work on yourself. Most of the time as a counselor I have noticed couples blaming each other. When they agree to see themselves, then they are ready to change, the other partner also responds.

For this we need maturity. Let’s keep our egos aside. It’s not a ‘boxing match’. In marriage ‘win-win’ helps.

20) What are the 5 golden rules that every couple must know to make their marriage a successful one?

(Smile) dear friend, after discussing so much on relationship as a couple you are now well equipped to frame your ‘golden rules for your ‘successful marriage ‘right?

Alright,

Accept your spouse as he\she is.
Understand your spouse verbally and non-verbally.
Avoid ‘projection’ of yourself on your spouse.
Marriage is ‘togetherness’. Always make an attempt to work, play, eat, pray and sleep together.
Encourage and appreciate each other. Counselor’s note: find your own 5 golden rules and apply.

21) Why there are so many cases of Depression? What might be the reason behind it? How should a parent or loved one act in such situation?

I would like to bring to your notice that these days the word ‘depression’ is being used loosely. “I’m depressed yeah!” - Teenagers or youngsters say it often. They may feel low because of some incidents in life such as failure in exams, love failure, parental pressure or peer pressure etc. What they experience is ‘sadness’ sometimes anxiety. A number of life events can leave people feeling sad or unhappy. The loss of a loved one, divorce, loss of job or income, financial trouble or issues at home can affect one’s moods in a negative way. But this need not be depression.

But in case these things lead to depression, then, it’s a ’serious’ matter.

Depression is “feelings of severe despondency and dejection”. It is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest

The signs of depression may include:

Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness, angry outbursts, irritability or frustration even over small matters. Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities such as day today chores or hobbies. Insomnia or excess sleep, lack of energy, change in appetite, anxiety, agitation, slowed thinking, speaking or body movements; feeling of worthlessness or guilt, withdrawing from family and friends, difficulty concentrating on school work, frequent or recurring mention of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide itself.

Reasons:

It’s often said that depression results from a chemical imbalance in the brain - changes in the brains neurotransmitter levels. Apart from these genetic features, environmental factors, psychological and social factors, additional conditions like ‘bipolar disorder’ could cause depression.

The parents or the loved ones play a major role in the life of a person who suffers from depression.

Talk to the person about what you have noticed and why you are concerned. Explain that depression is a medical condition, not a personal weakness - and that usually gets better with treatment. Suggest seeking help from a professional - a medical doctor, a mental health provider such as a counselor or psychologist (of course these will refer to a psychiatrist). Express your willingness to help by setting up appointments, going along with them and attending family therapy sessions. If you’re loved one’s depression is severe or potentially life threatening, contact a hospital for emergency medical services. Encourage sticking with treatment, give medicines on prescribed time.

You can’t fix the person’s depression but your support and understanding can help so be willing to listen, but avoid giving advice. Let your loved one know that you want to understand how he/she feels. Give positive enforcement. Finally, be patient (especially parents). Depression symptoms do improve with treatment, but it can take time.

22) Suicide is turning out to be a common problem in the young students and love failures. Why they cling to such decisions?

The government of India classifies a death as suicide:

If it is unnatural death.
The intent to die originated within the person.
There is a reason for the person to end his/her life.

I would like to mention below a few risk factors:

Mental illness (depression…)
Physical/sexual abuse
Family history of suicide
Poor coping skills (these days this may be prominent)
Lack of social support/social isolation (loneliness)
Access to ways of harming oneself.
Difficulties in dealing with sexual orientation (now they are opening up)
Physical illnesses (not being able to cope up with pain, uncertainty)
Any traumatic event like death, financial loss, failure in any form
Drug, Alcohol abuse

These are general reasons though, individuals may have their own. Basically, they have “given up on life itself”.

The family and the loved ones have a responsibility to pay attention to, if there are any warning signs in the person. If you suspect anyone is suicidal, tell them that you are worried and want to help them.

Suicide is not necessarily the wish to die but is rather a means to ending the ‘psychological pain’.

23) Why every teenager and even kids want to be in a relationship? What is the reason behind it?

First of all the notion of ‘every teenager’ want to be in love or relationship is not true according to me, because I have met many youngsters who know what life is, when is the right time to ‘be in love’, select their life partner and so on. It all depends on ‘self-discovery’. If they are students, their goal is to achieve academically, some participate in co-curricular and extra-curricular activities and are fulfilled with their lives.

Other teenagers (there are plenty these days, compared to 2-3 decades ago) are in ‘a hurry’ to ‘fall in’ love. In a counselor’s term the reason can be “an abundance of emotion-causing hormones combined with their own misguided perception that they are adults and invincible”

Let me help you to understand why teenagers or even kids want to be in a relationship with a few views expressed by the teenagers themselves in counseling sessions or otherwise. One teenager “There’s something about being special to someone, someone my own. There are moments when I feel inferior to other people. Teenagers have insecurities due to the growth during these years - physical, mental, emotional.

A few teenagers felt “everyone else seems to be in relationship”. They are in such an atmosphere where ‘your friend, your other friend, your siblings friends - they’re all in relationships, and it seems fun’.

Teenagers also tend to be more prone to ‘trying new things’. Sometimes they do it for sheer peer pressure to show everybody that they are ‘cool’. They sometimes flaunt about their ‘easy going’ on relationships, sometimes even sex.

Most importantly effect of films and social media which portray love, that is beautiful, fighting for your love is heroic, when you are in love nothing else matters etc. etc.

Parents and family play a huge role in the emotional securities of kids and teenagers.

24) How parents can guide their children with regard to relationship and love?

Parents can guide their children by being ‘good role models’. Being a role model to our kids as we interact with our spouses and others is the first step toward ensuring they’ll develop healthy connections as teens and adults. Family is the first school where children learn to make, manage and sustain relationships.

In Indian context, ‘dating’ is ‘no no’ for many parents. Forget about teenagers, when the young adults love each other and commit, there is opposition from some parents and in some parts of our country (unfortunately) in rare cases, they sacrifice their lives for the sake of love.

Anyways coming back to your question, parents (either of them or both) must sit with their ‘going to be teen’ kid and speak about the growth, tendencies, behavior etc. If you are not comfortable or think that you have not enough knowledge (?), a counselor could do it for you. It is important to speak about attractions, infatuation, love and later on, about sex.

Parents have to note that ‘you are not their friends’. Create an atmosphere of trust and they will confide in you. I have met teenagers of this kind. Once they share with you whom they are attracted to it’s easy to guide them. You could speak to them about the sacredness of sex and marriage. Be patient because they will sometimes confuse you with their questions. Another idea is to ‘hold family meetings’. Offer information and encourage discussion. Sharing age appropriate information about sex and sexuality helps keep teenagers safe and healthy. Teenagers must note that though you love independence when it comes to dating and relationships, experts agree setting limits is important. Rules set by your parents offer you a sense of security and ultimately you learn how to set boundaries yourself.

25) Few parents do not agree when children themselves choose a partner because parents would like to find a partner for their son/ daughter? Please Comment on this.

In Indian context this holds good even now to some extent. There are mixed opinions about this too. Some say “parents always want best for you. Then why not?” But what do youngsters say?

In my opinion parents could have an influence in choosing life partners for their children, but they should not make the final choice. Remember that ad in some matrimonial? (Laugh) father running behind the eligible bachelors?

Parents have good idea on what kind of person would be a great match for their child, they care for you. They are also able to think more clearly because their minds are not clouded with the euphoria of ‘love’. They will see family, economic, religious - all areas.

Moreover in India parents have a sort of aversion to ‘love marriages’ right guys? Why? Because ‘arranged marriages’ is a norm in our country.

So, if you have already made a choice, committed to marry (its always better to introduce your loved one to your parents before committing) I feel it’s your duty to convince about your choice to your parents. If they don’t agree instantly, (most of the cases they don’t), persistence is the key. (unless you don’t value your relationship of your parents). I had many such cases where they are helped and been successful in convincing, mostly one of their parents. There are extreme cases where, if a son/daughter get’s married against their wish, the parent threatens to kill themselves or sometimes kill the person you have chosen. There are many cases where the parent and the child are united after the couple having a baby.

Anyways, I tell you, make a good choice. When you are convinced about your choice, it’s easy to make your parents to see from your point of view.

26) There are a few youth/teenagers who switch from one partner to another every now and then. Are they really interested in love or trying to play with life of others?

If we ask these teenagers even they wouldn’t be able to answer this may be. The most important reason could be ‘low self esteem’. There’s an urge to be in a relationship but either do not know or have the capacity to sustain the relationship. Being in relationship also is a skill. You need to have good communication, patience, commitment - to be in love.

If a person comes from a stable family, it will be easier to manage his/her love relationship too. One must be confident, positive in outlook. In this case the teenagers would be steady in their love relationships also.

One remote reason could be mental unsteadiness.

If a person is interested only in ‘sex’ this problem could arise. Once he/she gets it, there’s no point in remaining with the same partner. (This is absolutely wrong because such people don’t value ‘love’ itself) What I feel is, the films, social media (watching porn included), may lead to such behavior in ‘some’ teenagers.

I have heard about ‘switching partners’ in a group of friends too. This is a sign of loose morals. We can sum up saying it is the, ‘lack of respect’ for the other individual.

27) Love marriage or arranged marriage? Which among the two is best according to you and why?

I got these beautiful lines on Google, which is exactly I have been telling the aspiring couples - “They asked ‘love or arranged marriage?’ The couple replied ‘well, arranged love marriage’. In one of the previous questions I had mentioned ‘if you love someone tell your parents about her/him’, does it make sense now? Few years ago, we were addressing youth in the parishes on the topics “Love and Friendship” and “Selection of life partners”. Many youngsters were of the opinion that they would be happy with ‘love marriage, arranged by parents.’ I used to say either

“Love cum arranged marriage” or “arranged cum love marriage”. These marriages have more survival rates. You are having a bond with all your loved ones. You will also get support of the family to a certain extent. But remember; only you and your life partner can make your marriage work and work beautifully. Guys, marriage are a ‘happy’ event in one’s life. My request with you is “select a partner who matches with you” look for compatibility, be careful ‘opposites attract’, do not take such a big decision in a hurry. For compatibility, most importantly you must know yourself. Think, “Am I going to be a worthy partner to her/him?”

28) What would you say to the teenagers who are in relationships?

I would like to start with “what would I say to a teenager who’s not in love relationship”

“Well done child, good for you, your parents, family and friends”. Now don’t come to a conclusion “oh, she’s against love’. No! not so. I’m hereby

Re-iterating the benefits of not ‘clinging’ to one person for your happiness.” Teenage and young adulthood is a time to explore things, you have so much energy, you can be creative, innovative, you can use your talents to the maximum and you are hooked to that ‘one’ person. You love so much that sometimes you even forget yourself (adrenaline rush), you spend time only with him/her neglecting your friends and peers, you don’t participate in co-curricular and extra-curricular activities in the college because you want to spend time with your love. Sometimes you end up doing poorly in academics also. By the grace of God, if everything’s fine okay otherwise you end up in heartbreak and counselor’s chamber or in rare cases you end your life.

But, I have met teenagers who manage their love-life along with all the other things intact. They act very responsibly. They don’t cross their limits either. Their parents know about their relationship. I have heard a few boys telling me ‘mam, now I study and pass my tests because of her.’ Friends, ‘love’ must liberate oneself not be a ‘bondage’.

Try to be not in a hurry to ‘fall’ in love. Love is beautiful. During teenage you can hang around with a number of friends, you can make new friends, you can focus and achieve. You can spend time with your family. So, postpone.

And those who are already in a relationship only one advice “Don’t lose yourself; keep your identity in tact”.

29) A piece of advice for those who are in search of a perfect partner?

“Perfect Partner” is a myth my friends. Look at the definition ‘being entirely without fault or defect’. First of all “am I perfect?’.

Anyways, we can aspire for a good match. I have given you a few hints earlier.

You must be sure of the kind of a life partner you are looking for (then of course you can make some compromises). Let’s see, you are looking for a ‘homely’ girl (many boys have expressed this). Look for such qualities, observe her. For a girl, if you want a boy who will take care of you, observe him, courtesy plays an important role in such a case.

There is another way, just keeping positive thoughts to attract ‘a perfect match’. You may need help in this regard, but this method is very effective, 2 of my clients have done this with positive results.

Prayer helps. Trust in God, pray so that you attract appropriate partner.

Above all, take your time, don’t hurry even if you feel you are already old or tired of seeing the proposals. It may sound strange to you; even as a counselor I believe “there’s a time for everything, so also for selection of life partner”

30) Can you give a short message to the married couples?

I can give you volumes of advice. But ultimately marriage is a bond between two individuals, they have to make their marriage work. Please remember, it doesn’t happen on its own. As your car needs fuel to run on, a successful marriage needs ‘fuel of love’. You must keep your love alive. As the years pass by there will be so many different issues affecting your marriage, including in-laws, your kids, your jobs, household chores, new car, house loans etc. - the list will be endless. While coping up with these external things you’ll have to keep your marriage intact. Remember your vows for each other every day. Work, play, eat, enjoy, pray and sleep together, marriage is all about togetherness and commitment.

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4) Top 28 Questions with the Entrepreneur and the Co-owner of the Speedex Key Solutions
5) Meet Mr Kirthan Anchan: Interview
6) An interview with the women achiever of Mangalore
7) Essay on Women Empowerment
8) Meet Mr Preetham Joyson Dsouza
9) Meet Mr Avinash Daniel Dsouza, A Talented Youth
10) Exclusive: Meet the person who made Water Harvesting
11) An interview with Mr Jaison Sequeira, Singer-Songwriter
12) PUBG Mobile's India Avatar Battlegrounds
13) Stephen Hawking: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Universe
14) Akshay Kumar | Indian-Canadian Actor
15) March Past Commentary for Indian Republic Day 2024
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